An apology builds trust, teaches responsibility, heals wounds.
The first thing I address when I am teaching character education, bully-proofing or communication skills is how to give a true, genuine apology. I have done it with three year olds through adults. We all need to hear it, it is actually really simple and it is the most powerful step in healing or growing a relationship and a reputation. Apologizing well teaches us to take responsibility for our actions and helps us see situations from someone else’s point of view. It also reminds us that we all make mistakes, it happens in every relationship and mistakes can be healed.
Steps to a good apology:
- Wait until you have your words, have calmed down, and WANT TO FIX THINGS versus wanting to prove you are right and they are wrong.
- Look the person in the eye and face them.
- Keep your voice calm and sincere.
- Use simple “I messages” with specifics about your transgression.
- Do not bring up what the other person did and do not expect a certain reaction or response. This is about YOU making amends, not about them forgiving or taking some of the responsibility
For example : “I am sorry that I yelled at you, I should not have done that.”
So quick, so simple. If they want to argue or blame, say “I just wanted to apologize for what I did. We can talk about it again at another time, if you need to” and get out of there. Short and sweet and then moving on are best. Give the other person time to ponder your apology and calm down themselves, if needed.
I have had plenty of experience seeing this work to calm situations and help relationships….not that I have personally made lots of mistakes and needed to apologize or anything…..yikes…..